Until I was in my early 20s I was pretty much an out and out tomboy. Long hair, but always jeans and tee shirt, dresses and skirts only made an appearance at weddings, christenings or funerals. I didn't dislike or feel uncomfortable in 'girlie clothes', it was just that jeans were far more practical- I could climb a fence at any time without worrying about what I might be putting on view etc. I wore very little makeup and I never wore jewellery, a necklace and a pair of clip on earrings once when I was a bridesmaid but that was it.
Then I got cancer.
Sweet babe, in thy face
Soft desires I can trace,
Secret joys and secret smiles,
Little pretty infant wiles.
—William Blake (1757–1827)
I hadn't thought about it before, but it seemed that I'd psychologically identified myself to my own mind as being "girlie" because I had girlie hair. After it fell out and I felt well enough to care about myself again, I kind of felt no hair on the outside meant I was no longer girlie inside, and started to make up for it in other ways. Lots of makeup, short skirts, fitted bras and belly tops - anything I felt exaggerated my figure, and pretty dresses. When my immune system had pretty much recovered OK - which it did pretty quickly, my head was still a prickly peanut - and one day, on the spur of the moment I just thought "why not?" and went out and got my belly button pierced. A few weeks later I got my ears done to match for the first time ever.
My hair isn't as long as it used to be, there's a good few months before that'll happen, but I'm happy with it, it's shoulder length, looks girlie, and I can do things with it.
When I was 18, I thought my father was pretty dumb. After a while when I got to be 21, I was amazed to find out how much he’d learned in three years.
—Frank Butler (1890–1967)
The thing is, all the other stuff I started doing out of desperation- the sexy clothes, overdoing the makeup etc now seem to be me "just being me". I feel almost "naked" if I leave the house and I'm not wearing earrings, and I plan to get my second pair of holes pierced at the weekend.
I'm just wondering whether the "new me" is likely to stay, or whether the tomboy is still inside me and is just waiting for a chance to break back out.